3810 Whites Creek Pike, Nashville, TN 37207 (615) 876-1014
 

Archive date:  February 5, 2015

The Witness Relocation Program

Dealing with nature’s grazers can take extreme measures

Uninvited guests are rarely welcome; there is a reason they have not been invited.  There is usually some trait, some idiosyncrasy, some repugnant behavior that keeps us wishing there were more distance between these undesirables and us.  I could be talking about your cousin Louie, but I’m not.  This vicious predator may look harmless, in fact, some describe as cute.  They are however, intent on eating you out of house and home.  They are: Squirrels!

 

Okay, perhaps ‘eating you out of house and home’ is a bit overstated.  But they will eat all of your birdseed! It seems to me the squirrels cannot read, or at least have difficulty grasping abstract concepts.  My wife Renee feeds the birds, and the squirrels love her for it. Maybe I’m the one who has difficulty understanding. She wishes to continue feeding the birds, but not the squirrels.

 

When I asked Renee what she wanted for Christmas last season, her primary gift was squirrel removal.  I actually had something more romantic in mind.  Anyway, it’s a good thing I know how to properly execute: The Witness Relocation Program.

 

There are a few requirements to properly and legally execute this program. First, you must have a means to capture without harming; I use Havahart® type humane traps.  Secondly, you must think like a squirrel; for best results, use nuts or peanut butter for bait. Third and most important: A legal place to release the witnesses. 

 

What best constitutes a legal place is your own property, that is, your own property that is some distance from your home.  Another possibility is a friend who is willing to have them released on their woodland property.  That may not be as hard to find as you might first think.  Many rural areas have been heavily hunted for squirrel over the past years.  A friend with some property in the country might just fit the bill. Remember: it is illegal to release squirrels in public parks.

 

The names have been changed to protect the innocent,

 

David Bates